being grown up isnt half as fun as growing up...

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 03:43:01 GMT

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 19:14:17 GMT

new lj,

eyes__wide_shut.

add me please.

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 19:14:17 GMT

new lj,

eyes__wide_shut.

add me please.

all alone i fall to pieces....

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 01:39:22 GMT

Everyone would think i would want something more, but all I want is for someone to say I know what you are going through and Im here for you, but do it without trying to change me or just saying it so they seem like a nice person.

Everyone just seems so insincere.

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 10:49:03 GMT

i want to beleive that last night was a dream, but sadly i dont think it was.

Everything is now going to change, and i know what i have to start with to make that change.

why cant she see that she is slowly killing me?

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 01:23:11 GMT

Today i have cried so much that i just went and threw up and i have a migrain.

All through school i was ready to cry just cuz i am already so overwhelmed with everything. Then when my mom came home she started yelling at me because i havent been in a good mood since school started and i have bad study habits because i listen to music to help me concentrate, but to her no one listens to music to help them concentrate and i am a liar. At basketball i have to sit out 3 games which sucks enough, but to make it worse, we could have won the game last night if i was able to play and everyone had to point that out to me. The today at practice i thought i was doing good, but then i went down court for a lay up and i got hit, stumbled and twisted my knee so i sat out and iced it. I came home and iced it even more, but when she found out about it i got yelled at because she blew however much money for me to play and now i cant, BUT I CAN AND SHE DOESNT GET IT!!! Then all this random bull shit that she starts to scream at me about only cuz im there. oh yeah then my dad comes home sees me crying to the point where i cant breathe and leaves again because it is to hard on him to be there.

I have cried myself to sleep every night this week, i dont know how much longer i can keep it together before i snap.

i paid the price

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 02:28:20 GMT

the worst pain is smiling and knowing that it is the fakest thing in the world, but also knowing that it is the closest thing there is to be happy.

happiness comes with a price...but when you pay that price and you still arent happy you know that you have hit rock bottom.

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 08:13:39 GMT

the present is just a pleasent interruption to the past....

The past is meant to be remembered so we dont repeat it, not to be forgotten forever

I wish someone could save me from drowning....

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 03:45:42 GMT

You are an angel in my nightmares, but a devil in my dreams.

If only you could see the pain or hear my screams

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 19:44:34 GMT

I thought it was over...

but the pain is still there.

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 01:57:11 GMT

now its just one disaster after another.... wow things are really looking up.

this is going to be quick

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 00:19:42 GMT

well i got my hair done, black low lights and blonde highlights. I have been doing a shit load of basketball.

The one thing i am looking forward to is school. This summer has sucked!!! There were some good points but it mostly sucked with my uncle dying, losing one of my oldest and best friends, almost losing my other best friend,losing friends who i have known for almost 5 years, having whip lash, basketball drama with me, my brother leaving me, and my family.

I cant wait to go back to school and having things go back to being balanced in my life again.

OMG!!!!!!! we lost andrea

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 04:33:58 GMT

tonight was so funny!!! I went to the harper cruise with shannon, ship, kels, steph, mj, cait, sarah, pup and jill and that was funny. Then we split up at like 7 and i went kels, steph, jill and mj, but shannon was my ride, so everything is cool, but at like 10 or something ship calls steph's phone and is freaking out because they didnt know where i was like 3 hrs later.lol.they thought they lost me.

Then we stayed at cold cow for a while and we walked through the drive through. Then we went to little ceasers and saw pat, but oh well I dont think he likes me anymore. Then we went back to stephs and ate the pizza and got that phone call and we played mario car. I have realized that i really suck ass at that game. I got like 2 wins cuz jill played for me.lol. Then ship drove me home and we were freaking out by the lightening. Oh yeah and there was random acts by kels, ewhich was funny!!

But to some it up this was the funnest nights i have had in a couple weeks.

oh yeah im also getting my hair dyed on friday and it is going to look so kick ass!!!

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 20:43:31 GMT

im sick

maybe im to fucked up to deserve happiness....

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 05:48:37 GMT

come play with us. come to the land of eternal happiness with us where nothing is ever wrong. come with us, you wont regret it.

i cause you hell, I cause myself hell. you have to worry about me to much and it isnt right, i have lost your trust to the point where even if i swear on everything in my life you still dont believe me. When i try to shut up it makes everything worse and when i tell you everything gets even worse then if i dont talk. I am at a complete lost of what to do. the only thing that seems right anymore caused me even more hell now and screwed me up for life, but it made me so happy at the time, even if deep down i was truly miserable.

high school guys are so over rated...

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 03:02:50 GMT

so I got back today and now i have no more brother. Erica and Kristin, no more american idol!!! Now i have his room to do whatever i want to do to it, but i dont know yet.

Well the weekend sucked ass hole with my parents, i hate them more than anything in the world.im done.

But i didnt get my schedule so i have to go the first day of school early, which sucks!!

well i dont really have any thing else to say except there are so many hot guys up at my bros college and it made me realize high school guys suck and i need to go for college guys.

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 04:04:58 GMT

"pretty girl is suffering"

something happend and this time im not ok and i dont know why, but things did just get worse and i only know one way to handle it

im sorry, but dont worry every thing will workout in the end.

and your right i am

things are going back to how they were before....

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 18:54:07 GMT

i couldn't sleep last night
my ears were ringing in my head
best friends with the boogie man
i may be better off here dead
running on empty once again
too tired for tears i dread
sink deep into those magic dreams
while i blast off in my bed

and you know i played it all in here
where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
and i threw my whole night down the drain
you know cause everyone says that i'm not the same
since i changed my name

three hours later and i'm staring at the ceiling still
xanax does nothing more but calm the sleeping thrill
turning the pillows round and round to find the cold spot for my head
ah, bless my only friend

and you know i played it all in here
where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
and i threw my whole night down the drain
you know cause everyone says that i'm not the same
and everyone turns tricks for fickle fame

i feel my body's lost control
my knees get weak as i drift away
and it gets darker, darker
dreaming's where i am

and you know i played it all in here
where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
and i threw my whole night down the drain

and you know i played it all in here
where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
and i threw my whole night down the drain
you know cause everyone says that i'm not the same
since i changed my name

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 18:27:27 GMT

someone please kill me before my life gets even worse

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 19:15:22 GMT

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
it's always you and my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
But i can't stand here in a patch of four leaf clover
And your restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
no, áould you let me go

and you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all the hope
That you had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
and it did because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

And I had dreams that i would learn to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rockstar
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But dammit you're so young
But I don't think I care
and if I hurt you then i'm sorry
It's just this guilt has got the best of me

And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what its like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

Konstantine came walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And i've been thinking, and i've thinking, no
But she's been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blond hair
And i was thinking, what i was thining ya know
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere

This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
It's hard to like it
It's to dying in anothers arms
and why i had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
But this time i'm alone, and i don't see those stars
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant
you thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
and live with what I did to you
And all the things i put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine

They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No

This is to a girl who got into my head
with all these pretty things she did
Hey Baby, You know that you keep me up in bed
It's to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things I did
Hey Maybe Baby, You could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine

Spin Around me like a Dream
We played out on this movie screen
And i said, did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
Did you know I missed you
Did You know i miss you
Did you know i miss you
Did you know i miss you

God, I miss you

And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no no,
And you'll kiss me in your living room, oh
And you see, no, that i've been missing in my Living room
Cause this is what i miss, what i miss
We don't have much room
I said, does anyboy need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

My Konstantine

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 04:17:32 GMT

So yeah.... basketball this week has sucked because I suck at it but oh well I cant play 4 gamees any way and the rest I will sit the bench becuase I am a junior.

*~friday~*
went to basketball (sucked)
erica and steve came over then I hung out with them and my mom called me up and told me to call her back and when i did she started screaming at me because erica drove around the block. Then I went home and she yelled at me for coming home so yeah.... then elena called me and was like get ready Im taking you out, so we went to this pool hall and played with these 2 guys and the one was really hot, but he was 23(but he thought I was 17 and elena was 18 so it was cool). Then came haome and got yelled at for making to much noise coming in or some bull shit.

*~saturday~*
Got up and went to cedar point with erica, coutrney, her friend, her 2 aunts, uncle and dad. That was alot of fun except for courtney blacking out and all that shit on the raptor and we even saw stephanie deponieo working, but not hartheen. Then some more rides and went home. Me and erica made plans for me to go to warp tour with them tomorrow and at first my mom is like probably, but when I got home I went to ask her for sure and this is basically how the conversation went-

me waking her up. "mom can I go tomorrow?"
"no"
"why"
"why the hell are you waking me up stop yelling!"
"then come downstairs"
she came down "why are you acting like a 2 yr old begging? grow up!!"
"a 2 yr old gives the reason because and then walks away from it" as she is walking away
"you know me and your dad had a nice afternoon when your not here, but then you come home..."

That is basically how the conversation went just shorter.

Its nice to know that my parents are happy when I am gone and i make them miserable when I am around, maybe they were trying to give me a hint....

well I am still trying to go to warp tour so erica I will call you around 9 tomorrow if you read this.

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 03:56:44 GMT

Things arent as easy as they may seem, sometimes it is more and other things need to be done to reach a goal, ecspically when it is set so high. It is not going to get out of control again, i wont let it an i know you wont and niether will anyone else who I am really good friends with.

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 21:24:48 GMT

These last 2 days have ben crazy with practice and stuff. This morning we pulled tires at 6am across the football field and after that my stomach hurts really bad -shrug-

Then after everything I came home and talked to steve and then I hung out with erica, steve and courtney and we went to the mall. Yeah that was fun at hot topic and erica paying in all change and I got this lip gloss that says

instructions
1.apply lip gloss
2.kiss my butt
3.repeat
and it has a pic of happy bunny, you hafta love happy bunny and if you dont GO DIE!!lol. and there was this light with happy bunny that I am going to back and buy soon.

Well I am no longer talking to my mom because she said I could dye my hair black and then when I asked her when I could make an app. she got all bitchy and started screaming about how I cant because it will ruin my hair. whatever fuck her!!!! Im getting it done no matter what, i might have to wait longer though.

I dont know what I am doing tonight for sure but I think I have a pretty good idea, so I should get ready. maybe I will actually sleep for once tonight considering we have a practice from 830 to 1 and we start with a 4 mile run. But I have learned that going more than 2 weeks with about 20 hrs sleep total is very fun...

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 11:03:07 GMT

So I survived my first 5am practice with out puking at the field, but i think Im going to puke now.

Well it starts with not going to bed tilm 12 then waking up at 3am, i set my alarm,my phone alarm, and i had Brittany call me(<33 for staying up and calling me to make sure I was up:)then went to the track aat 4:45 and started with a 2 mile warmup. That was fine until the last lap, and they turned the sprinklres on which was fun to run in.Then did sprints and jumps and more sprints and a 2 lap cool down. Its sad though I could have ran so much faster doing the 2 miles and the sprints and I didnt:( well that frustrates me now, but i can redem myself at our practice from 11-1 later or at the ones the rest of the week. wow no one is online at 630 or at 3. well i think im going to go watch tv because i wont fall asleep til 12 tonight.

Oh yeah i also realized that when you go almost 2 weeks on like 20 hrs of sleep and try to run like this you get really slap happy, or ateast I was.

well i think i am going to puke soon because I feel horrible and i cant feel shit in my legs.

This was just what i needed right now and for the rest of the week because it cheered me up so much.

one last thing to Brittany
your coming running with me tonight, so I'll call you after my doctor's app. :)

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 03:03:54 GMT

I need to find a way to get $20 by tomorrow or very soon or else my parents will kill me!! If anyone owes me money please give it back to me soon. I am really desperate!!!!